I’m not saying it doesn’t sound crazy.
I’m not saying that I can’t hardly believe it myself.
But it’s how it happened.
One day I woke and knew it was all wrong. My being, my appearance, my marriage, my entire life. I was so far from myself. So incredibly distant that I began to question if I ever truly knew myself to begin with. For a brief moment I forgot the last six years had happened and questioned how in the hell I came to this place.
Then the fleeting moment ended, and the flood gates flew open.
The heartache, the pain, the suffering. All of it. The strange part is, it’s embarrassment I am overcome with-coupled with a pinch of anger. Anger directed at myself mostly.
Looking back I suppose it may not have happened so abruptly. But at the time, my conscious was not there. The coming weeks were spent in battle with myself. My heart vs. my head. My imagination vs. my intuition. How was I ever going to tell the difference? One thing was certain, I gave up on myself. I broke every promise I made to myself. I was living the exact life I said I never would. And I knew, in my heart that I, alone, was to blame. The reality is, anger doesn’t begin to cover it.
Could it be a mid-life crisis? Or possibly God himself slapping me across the face. Like most young girls and women, I had dreams of falling madly in love. Like the love in a country song. Like the love that others pretend to be sickened by, but secretly want. But Lord, was that a far cry from the place I was standing. Could I ever be there? Is anyone ever really there? I didn’t know the answer. Wasn’t even sure I wanted to know the answer. It was in this moment that my heart was screaming at me.
“No! He is not your home! He is not our home!”
And I knew it was true. So here I was. Here I am really. 31 years old standing alone at a major crossroad. Two reflections staring back at me. Two paths to take. Which one is the “right” one. Which one doesn’t ruin the rest of my life. Which one leads me to my truest form of my being. The me that is at peace with my soul. How do I chose? Because there is no having both. But even in this moment, there is only one true, clear path. The true question is, am I brave enough to choose it.